with all of the insanity that has become my life in the last 10 months i can say that one good thing has come out of it thus far: i have learned a lot. most importantly, i have learned about my family and about my friends. its hard to imagine what my life would be like had all of this not happened. i would probably still be puttering along, oblivious to life as i see it now. happily unaware of how people really are or how they really can be. thankfully, that is not the case anymore.
unfortunately, it is /hard times/tragedy/dire straits/whatever you want to call it/ that brought about this new insight. while i am thankful for my newfound abilities, i almost wish i didn't have the opportunity to acquire them.
living abroad gave me the chance to hone in on my observation skills. not being able to effectively communicate with anyone for a good 6 months will do that to you. hell, just living in any foreign place will do that, i think. im so glad to have picked it up, though. its a lot easier for me to observe now. the down side is that my english skills have fallen and my writing skills have fallen even further. but im getting off track. that isnt what i want to talk about tonight. its my ability to see right through people.
i don't know what it is. hell, maybe i dont even have this skill but i feel like i can read people so much easier now than before i went abroad. i can tell how people are feeling without listening to a word they are saying. i suppose it goes back to having to adjust my way of understanding people. body language says so much that words don't. and body language never lies. thats just one of the many signs, though.
as i said, its unfortunate that hard times for me have been the cause for what ive learned. but again, as i said, im glad ive learned it. i realize now how important my family is. i really did take them for granted for so many years. calls once a week to be the good son. birthdays/holidays cards like the good son. but not really taking much of an interest in my parents or my sister. i think part of it was that i had to assert myself and my independence. part of it was me being a jerky, typical young 20 something knowitall. part of it was trying to have so many friends and get something from them that, really, only your family can provide you. unabahsed, unwavering support and love. these things are hard to come by. with a family though, it would take unthinkable acts to drive them apart. and hard times usually mean families coming together. mine is no exception and while things are hard for us now, im glad i have been given a second chance to get to know my family and have a really good relationship with them. friends, on the other hand, are a different story.
a true friend is so easy for me to identify now. i always have had trouble in the past knowing who is really my friend and who is just some person i know that doesn't mind being around me. there is nothing like hard times to let you know who your real friends are. your real friends care about you. they will tell you. it may not be direct, but they will show you in some way. and the ones that aren't really your friends will also show themselves. when times are hard its easier to see the man behind the curtain. real friends will send a word your way or a simple 'how have you been?' they'll be there for you when you need it. offer support or just an ear to listen. some kind of sympathy. those that don't, well, they aren't. its regrettable that i have learned people i considered dear friends are not. its regrettable that i will have to learn to cut these people out of my life. its regrettable all of this had to happen. truth be told part of me wishes i didnt know the things i do now-then i could go on pretending. but things change and so do people. life is too short to keep phonies and jerks around. the cog wheel of life will keep turning so long as i am willing to crank it.
if you are reading this and you know me, chances are you are one of the good ones. and for being there for me, for being a true friend, i thank you. you are a rarity for me these days and you may not know just how much you mean to me. there is no other way for me to express myself so i will just repeat it: thank you. thank you for being a real friend. you rock.
